Emotions and Distances

It has been nearly a year to the day when we went on Sabbatical and I started this blog. My hope was to give a running diary of information for the folks back in Fresno as Joanie and I traveled around the country. However, it turned into much more than that. As I took opportunity to share my thoughts and tell my story, ideas and concepts formed in my head that took me to another place with this writing. Some of you have been gracious to read these thoughts from time to time and even comment on them. I appreciate your attention. After a year of writing, here are my thoughts as I look back on the past and forward to the future:

1. I miss my boys. It has been since August that I have seen two of my three sons. It is hard to be away from them and their wives for so long a period of time. It will be months, at best, before I see them again. I take joy in being able to spend time with Jonathan and Maria next week. It helps greatly the sense of loss that you have when you are so far from the others.
2. I have grown weary of living in a glass house. After 31 years of ministry I will be transitioning to being a student. People ask us if we are excited. The question has a double edge to it. We are, but it is a scary thing at our age to get up and change careers without any assurance of a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. But it is also exciting to leave behind the less enjoyable parts of pastoral ministry. I grow weary of being a target; of having my every movement or inflection analyzed and scrutinized; of having ulterior motives placed on things I do and don't do; of being judged by those who are looking to pick a fight. I know this might sound harsh, but it rings true in me. I will not miss these things.
3. I want to learn afresh and anew what it means to live by faith and not by sight. It is so easy to grow comfortable and dependent on the routines and things of everyday life - knowing where the paycheck is coming from and when; having a routine and schedule that fills the days and many of the nights with activity and administrative duties; knowing pretty much what is going to be happening for the next 12 months or 3-5 years. Today, the future lies unseen ahead and I know not where it leads. I only know who holds the future and who holds my hand.