Emotions and Distances

It has been nearly a year to the day when we went on Sabbatical and I started this blog. My hope was to give a running diary of information for the folks back in Fresno as Joanie and I traveled around the country. However, it turned into much more than that. As I took opportunity to share my thoughts and tell my story, ideas and concepts formed in my head that took me to another place with this writing. Some of you have been gracious to read these thoughts from time to time and even comment on them. I appreciate your attention. After a year of writing, here are my thoughts as I look back on the past and forward to the future:

1. I miss my boys. It has been since August that I have seen two of my three sons. It is hard to be away from them and their wives for so long a period of time. It will be months, at best, before I see them again. I take joy in being able to spend time with Jonathan and Maria next week. It helps greatly the sense of loss that you have when you are so far from the others.
2. I have grown weary of living in a glass house. After 31 years of ministry I will be transitioning to being a student. People ask us if we are excited. The question has a double edge to it. We are, but it is a scary thing at our age to get up and change careers without any assurance of a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. But it is also exciting to leave behind the less enjoyable parts of pastoral ministry. I grow weary of being a target; of having my every movement or inflection analyzed and scrutinized; of having ulterior motives placed on things I do and don't do; of being judged by those who are looking to pick a fight. I know this might sound harsh, but it rings true in me. I will not miss these things.
3. I want to learn afresh and anew what it means to live by faith and not by sight. It is so easy to grow comfortable and dependent on the routines and things of everyday life - knowing where the paycheck is coming from and when; having a routine and schedule that fills the days and many of the nights with activity and administrative duties; knowing pretty much what is going to be happening for the next 12 months or 3-5 years. Today, the future lies unseen ahead and I know not where it leads. I only know who holds the future and who holds my hand.

What to do with Anger when You are in Worship

I became very angry today in church. No one really knew, but inside I was very upset. Not at something that someone said or did to me but what had happened to someone else. They had been hurt, betrayed, and were suffering at the hands of another who was inflicting pain for no appreciable reason other than to hurt the person. What do you do with that?
After more than 30 years of ministry in which I deal with people on a daily basis and still fail to understand how some people can act with such anger and hatred toward someone they once cared about in some small or large way. And, inevitably, innocent people get caught up in the pain and become further victimized by them. What is the gain? What is the upside to this? I have been told that people get a sense of importance and value from even negative reinforcement. What a sad state of affairs to get your sense of self from inflicting pain on others for no reason.
But let me return to my initial question. What do you do when you are angry and in a worship service? Well, anger can lead you away from worshipping God. So, you can't let the anger get the best of you. This morning, I shared what happened with two other leaders in the church who were equally angered by the action that was hurting a friend. One of them went toward the front of the church and immediately went into a time of prayer. The other, went and stood by the person who was hurting and was there to both love, support and help them. As I looked back, I noticed that they, too, were in prayer. Maybe the best way to deal with anger is to be a sponge. You pick up the hurt and pain of another, soak it up inside your soul, and then go into your prayer closet and squeeze out all the anger and frustration. It rolls down off your soul and lands in a puddle at the foot of the cross. And anger laid at the cross becomes hope for the victim and healing for the soul.

On the Cusp

Adventures. They are the stuff of legends and novels. In The Lord of the Rings they have The Fellowship of the Ring. They set out for Mordor and the adventure of a lifetime. In The Chronicles of Narnia the children discover the wonder of a magical wardrobe closet that can transport them to another world and a lifetime of adventures. Jason and the Argonauts on a quest for the Golden Fleece; Huck Finn and Jim on a raft floating down the Mississippi; Jason Bourne out to discover his real identity; the list of adventures goes on and on. And, at least for me and my life, I can add one more. Tomorrow I take the first fledgling steps in an adventure - a new adventure for me.
It may not rank with the annuls of Gimli or Edmund or Lucy or Huck . . . but for me it is the grandest quest I could imagine. Tomorrow I meet with Dr. Clay Schmit and I will take the first steps toward becoming a full-time student in the Fall at Fuller Seminary. Like those heroes of fables and myths, this journey will surely have its shares of ups and downs, twists and turns. I can only hope that it has a happy ending! But even now, I realize that these next few years are really about the journey, the adventure and not just the destination.
When was the last time you had an adventure? When was the last time you lived a prolonged period of your life completely and totally dependent on God in faith believing? We spend so much of our lives in predictable places doing predictable routines. Living on faith is living without the knowledge of what is coming next - yet somehow knowing that because God knows, that is enough. Joanie and I have lived a great deal of the last decade or more in predictable ways, knowing what has been generally around the corner. Today we don't. And that is new, refreshing, and, just maybe, the way life is intended to be lived. Come, join the adventure.

The Lot of Preaching and Pastoring

One of the problems in being a preacher is that you are always talking to others. Maybe the most frightening thing is that people actually listen to what you say. However, the second scariest thing is that they listen, but do not hear. As a preacher, teacher, and pastor I am willing to accept the fragile truth that I will spend a lot of time talking to people about important matters. I accept the fact that what I say can and often does make an impression on others who are in the course of making important decisions about their lives. It is often disappointing to know that what I say and what people hear can be so very different. I don't mind being quoted but it is rather frustrating to be misquoted. I guess the issue is taking responsibility. I am willing to take responsibility for what I say but I think it is proper to hold others accountable for hearing what is really being said.
Recently, the news reported the story of a young boy who called 911 to report his mother being ill. The operator heard his very young voice and chided him about calling the emergency line. The young boy was doing what his mother had taught him to do. The operator heard him but never really listened. A tragedy resulted. I get continually frustrated with news shows that bring in opposing "talking heads" to allow the discussion to be "fair and balanced". Those who debate the issues never listen to one another. They talk over one another and the resulting gaggle is indecipherable. It seems no one listens. How sad.
As I read the story of Jesus, I am constantly struck by how much he was listened to but how little those most interested in him actually heard him. The disciples were always listening but never understanding. The Pharisees asked tons of questions but couldn't accept his answers and decided to silence him rather than listen to him. God gave us two ears and one mouth. Maybe we should get the hint.

The Future

This past Sunday morning I informed the church of the plans that God has for us. It has been an exciting journey to this point. Here are the details. For nearly a year I have been working toward the idea of continuing my education at the graduate level. After applying to Vanderbilt, Southern Baptist, and Fuller Seminary I received word about two weeks ago that I have been accepted at Fuller Seminary in Pasadena in order to complete a Ph.D program in the field of Homiletics. For more than 20 years I have had two goals in my professional life. One is the subject of the previous blog (being published) and the other was to to Ph.D work. In the span of a couple of months, the Lord has given me both of these goals. I am convinced that God gives us not only what we need but the desires of our hearts, as well.
Joanie and I will be resigning from our pastorate here after 11+ years of service. This is the longest Joanie has ever lived in one place - one house. We will move sometime prior to September to the Pasadena area and spend the next 2-4 years living there as I complete the doctoral program. Joanie has graciously agreed to go to work full-time and support us so that I can be a full-time student. She is an amazing partner. If God works it out I hope to be able to find a way for her to continue her studies during this time and work toward a Master's Degree. I have no idea how that would be possible but we are living by faith and have been for months now. God has already worked out things I thought out of my reach that had passed me by. So, I am of a mind that God can and will do many things we believe to be impossible - even when we are people of faith!
To all who read this and desire to pray for us, we have some specific requests:
1. Pray for the transition time.
2. Pray for a job for Joanie.
3. Pray for a house or apartment to open up that will meet our needs and our budget.
4. Pray for me to be able to learn Hebrew, French and German - all have to be done in the next 15 months.
5. Pray for the continued move of the Holy Spirit in our lives. It is an exciting time for us to be alive and following the Lord. Amen.